The Tard in Porn

The Tard in Porn

They say that being retarded is something you are born with, but I think you can
catch it. I guess it really depends on the kind of retard you are. If you are
the ‘Tuesday’s With Morrie’, Oprah Book Club retard, then it’s definitely
something you were born with and destined to overcome through a montage
involving learning to tie your shoe, riding a bike and looking through a
telescope for the first time. But, however, there is another kind, more
insidious because it looks on its face to be something similar but proves in the
end to be completely different, uninspiring, unsympathetic and incredibly
dangerous. This is the kind of retard that doesn’t get the balloon tied to his
wrist at restaurants. This is the retard we all can refer to as ‘tard’.
Completely normal from birth, the Tard develops essentially like a normal child,
reading more or less with his class, playing in the sandbox, roller-skating and
climbing trees. But it is at some point, still undetermined by science, that
the Tard takes a severe turn for the worse. What can be confirmed is that there
is no causal relationship between tard-ness and any factor in the tard’s
environment that would set off the catastrophic chain reaction that inevitably
occurs within the tard’s brain. This is to say that a normal person in the same
environment would not become a tard. It is endemic to the tard’s make-up that
his responses to stimuli in his environment are poorly designed for no good or
explainable reason. This is the first good history indicator of a true tard.

Most tards go into porn. It is unclear why this is exactly, but nevertheless it
is a tried and true fact. Once they get into porn, they start ordering people
around and reading their email when those people are at lunch or in the loo. So
I generally have to open a word document and write my emails from there, copying
and pasting very quickly into Hotmail before I’m spotted. But it’s even
suspicious still, because I’m often not writing lengthy paragraph shaped things
for work, mostly because no one here could read them. So what happens is:

I.I have to write like this
a.In order to avoid
i.Detection.
II.If it looks like I’m
a.Outlining something for a meeting
i.Then I can fly under
1.The
a.Radar.
Lesson number 32:
When a Tard is standing directly in front of you, and therefore staring at the
back of your monitor, he cannot see you uploading your email from Word.

Lesson number 33:
When a tard asks you to ‘revise’ a letter for him, which he is sending out to a
customer, it will invariably end with a sentence like:

“thank you and looking forward to doing greater business as we grow to do things
in business together with you for the future of our business relationship
together. Thank you. Future.”


Jimmy