Porn Morning

Good Porning everyone.

I would like to take this opportunity to share with you all a bit of my day. Think of this as an episode of Mr. Roger's neighborhood, only in this episode, Mr. Rogers gets naked, revealing his hairy chest and scary legs, and then he goes over to the post office to give the mailman an erotic massage.

Oh, and Lady Elaine is doing instructional voiceovers.

For the last two days I have been screening DVD copies of porn for quality purposes. I have seen videos involving gymnasts whose clothes mysteriously disappear mid-flip or right before the splits. I have learned that rubbing your thumbs in a counter clockwise motion around your partners ass bone (yes, you have one) will keep him on a plateau of sexual arousal whereas rubbing in a CLOCKWISE motion will move him toward ejaculation. This is useful information people...write it down.

I have even seen a porn in......get ready......3-D. Yes, it's true....gay men were not content with standard porn that stays in the television where it belongs. They needed a more complete sensory experience. And so I had to watch a porn with those Captain E-O glasses and experience the porn coming right at me...no pun intended.

And then, inexplicably, the credits roll on a background of....stars and planets....as though you were getting an erotic massage on a space station.

People. What is going on here? Why are these gay men doing this? Why is 2-D porn insufficient? Why is there a brass 4-poster bed in space?

I feel like I am in that episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler get free porn and begin to be mystified when everyday situations do not end in some delivery girl offering herself to them.

Did I mention the music? It's Asian fusion Casio synthesizer. I could go on and on. But unfortunately, I have to get back to work.