Jimmy the Background Artist

People,

Good morning, one and all. I know it has been some time since I wrote to you. Some have said, 'what happened Jimmy? We want to know what is going on with you.' Well, the sad truth is, porn was too small a world for me. The megalomaniacal boss who couldn't spell also couldn't afford to pay me a salary. So rather than stay and be tortured for free, I decided to go in search of another field of work.

Boy did I find a gold mine.

Not an actual gold mine, as in, a job that pays, but rather an untapped mine of riches beyond my wildest imaginings. It is the world of background actors. Atmosphere. Extras. Or as I like to call them, 'All-About-Eves-In-Training.'

I have been looking for work for two months now so I have been forced to take it when it comes by. This means occasionally driving to Malibu to work for 8 hours for minimum wage with people who you wouldn't let baby-sit your dog. Just yesterday I was in Malibu working for some prank show we'll call 'Girls Behaving Inappropriately.' It 'stars' a gaggle of stupid bitches that run around pulling pranks on late teenage people who are on welfare or just out of prison. The people they find for this show are real winners. Laureates. But the prize is not with the 'stars' or the people being gagged.

The money is in the extras.

I have never met scarier people. They are so serious. They are all talking on their cell phones unceasingly, as though they were trading time sensitive stock. They talk very loudly at all times and always tell people on the phone in a rehearsed offhanded tone, 'oh I'm on set.' They are keen on starting conversations with such winners as:

'How many shows have you done?'

'This is my 35th time working.'

'You may be wondering what 'slate' means. You'll hear it a lot on set. If you need me to explain that and other terms you need to be familiar with, just let me know.'

All of these things have actually been said to me by a 'background actor'. I should clarify that these jobs I have been relegated to are non-union. This means that the person who is going to explain what 'slate’ means also has no idea how to get into SAG and probably never will. The particular girl who gave me the jems above mistook our day together as perfect strangers at a cocktail party for a session with her therapist. As we are forced to have real conversations to appear 'realistic' for the gag, I am forced to hear anecdote after anecdote about this girl's pitiful existence:

'I started out in Vegas helping a casting office cast RUSH HOUR 2. We cast all the background actors. It was real exciting, probably the most exciting thing I've ever done. So when I got to the set, people were asking me all sorts of questions, needing direction or help with their characters. It really made me realize what fame must be like for people like Al Pacino or Tony Danza. People just coming up to you asking for your input, or wanting your photo. I don't think I could ever do it. It's just too much. I do, however, know that I'm going to be super rich somehow. I'll probably have like 6 homes. And Jet skis. I love jet skiing. Although I only just got into it because I have a real allergy to milk which causes my legs to break out in horrible rashes. So I usually wear really thick tights. It was hard as a child but I just got used to it being a part of me, part of who I am. I'm the girl with the welts on her legs, and if you don't like it, then you can go fuck yourself. I'm not gonna change who I am for you! So yeah, once I went off dairy, the welts went down a little, so I figured I'd take up jet skis. Wait hold on, that's my cell. It could be my agent with another job....


So Jimmy has a new title.

Jimmy the Background Artist