Endangered Species

I am a big fan of hamburgers. I am not a big fan of salamandergers. This is a timely and beneficial preference. Having never been one who is exceptionally kind to or interested in animals that are not easily put between two pieces of bread or slathered with a nice white wine and mushroom sauce, one can imagine my lack of interest in a newly published study about the apparently rapid extinction of many of the less palatable of God’s creatures. While I am glad that our market economy allows for people to go around counting reptiles in Bolivia and call it ‘work’, I am less than impressed by their alarmist stance. As with all studies known to man, this one relies heavily on numbers, digits that, in my estimation, have always received an undue amount of attention. The following excerpt is rife with fear-mongering and should be read with a literary grain of salt:

The World Conservation Union, which is a coalition of leading conservation groups, [has finished a] report [called] "the most comprehensive evaluation ever undertaken of the status of the world's biodiversity." Among the findings:

* 15,589 species (7,266 animal species and 8,323 plant and lichen species) are now considered at risk of extinction — an increase of 3,330 species since the 2003 Red List. The increase is largely due to the fact that scientists have finally been able to assess all of the world's amphibians.
* One in three amphibians and almost half of turtles and tortoises are known to be threatened with extinction, along with one in four mammals, one in five sharks and rays, and one in eight birds.
* The numbers of threatened species are increasing across almost all major taxonomic groups.

A few salient points may be drawn from the information given.

1. Though turtles and tortoises seem on the brink of extinction, the report makes no mention of cows, chickens or pigs. Dinner, it seems, is safe.
2. Lichen has never been a good substitute for lettuce and therefore will not be missed.
3. I have been putting off my scuba-diving certification until ALL the sharks and rays die, and apparently, I have not long to wait.
4. Though the number of threatened species is on the rise, the number that I am familiar with has not changed and, therefore, is of little concern.

I propose that people who want to go around counting things should count things that actually matter in real life as opposed to things that matter in biology class. I have done this and come up with the following figures:

*13,472 gay men are on the list for 367 weekend parties in the Hollywood Hills. This figure is up significantly from last year largely due to the fact scientists were able to assess all of the men who were on the list plus one.
*One in two gay men on the list will not actually show at the party they are on the list for, but will instead attempt to crash a better party hosted by a bigger closeted celebrity.
*One in four gay men hosting parties in the hills are employing seven of every ten gay men working as bartenders and tray pass waiters.
*One in three gay men on the list have had or are about to get veneers.
*Two of every three gay couples is attending a party in the hills with the express purpose of finding a single gay man who is not on the list plus one, in order to take him home. One in six of said single men who will go home with gay couples are hoping to make the situation semi-permanent because sleeping with a gay couple is easier than getting a job.

Bushwhacked

Sorry ladies,

I know you were looking forward to getting all those third trimester abortions in clean hospital rooms, but you are just gonna have to do it in the back of a Chevy Cavalier like all the women who came before you.

Sorry gay people,

I know that you were looking forward to getting divorced legally and collecting alimony/palimony from your ex-lover-husband-wife but you are just gonna have to remain 'Girlfriends' and 'Boyfriends' like the second class citizens you obviously are.

Sorry Black and Hispanic people,

I know that more of you than ever turned out to cast your ballot, but you are going to have to wait for Barak Obama to get just a little bit older before you can expect your voice to actually count. Until then, I suggest you continue racking up personal debt and working for minimum wage and no benefits. Or move to Ohio. Or Florida. Come to think of it, you oughta just continue to have lots and lots of kids and then ship them out to swing states so that in 18 years, minorities can be disenfranchized all across this great country of ours. Floridians shouldn't get to have all the fun. Blacks can be just as unhappy in Wyoming.

And, of course, sorry enlisted people,

I know you expected a better reason to go and die for your country in places you can't easily pronounce, but you are simply going to have to come to the understanding that Iraq is more important than North Korea because Iraq ensures that your wife or husband back home can drive that SUV he/she always wanted. If North Korea had something valuable that we wanted, like oil, or celebrities or Neilson Markets, we would definitely send you to die there instead.